I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Randomize
