I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
