i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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