anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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