OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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