i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
