he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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