my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
