I heard we made out
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
