So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
