I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
