ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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