My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My vagina is officially offended.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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