Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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