people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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