I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
