He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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