i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
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