you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
