Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
