Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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