apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
