I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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