I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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