On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
