Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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