a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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