Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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