i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
