Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
