When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize