Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
