we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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