You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize