hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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