Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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