On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
