I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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