Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
