Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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