sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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