i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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