she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
