sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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