I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
