What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You are the jesus of drinking
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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