i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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