Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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