HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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