Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize