hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize