I cannot find my penis.
Someone shit on the floor
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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