I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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