just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
