I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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