my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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