I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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