Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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