Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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