there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
