my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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