Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
