Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My ass is underappreciated
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
