every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
