i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
