and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
