life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
