If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
then he tried to convert me to islam
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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