Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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